Mother’s Day has many connotations to me, some good and some not so good. I have been blessed with having two young women in my life who are my daughters of the heart. I remain proud of both of them, proud to know them, to be part of their lives. Additionally, the Goddess has blessed me with babies in my life, nieces I’ve raised, a whole new crop of “nieces” in Texas and co-workers with babies, neighbors with young girls. But this day has and will ever remain a day that is bittersweet, and not one that I look forward to for the following reasons:
Firstly, my mother and I were never close, she was and remains ashamed of me (since I had the bad taste not to be born a classic blonde cheerleader type/mall queen like my sister) and while I have tried my best over the years to understand her and be more tolerant, I’ve also realized that she will never change and yes, I sent her a card.
Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, Mother’s Day always brings back home to me the following poem, which I wrote not long after the death of my unborn daughter. I wonder where she’d be, if by now I’d be a grandmother, if she’d be happy, married, or what. It has never stopped being a struggle on this day, as well as on the day which she was taken from me.
This is not to say that there aren’t people out there who don’t call me mother behind my back, but that’s not to what I am referring. So keep in mind when you casually wish some woman “Happy Mother’s Day” that perhaps it is a very painful reminder that she isn’t. Just because a woman is over 50 does not automatically mean that she has born children, or that they are still living. Your casual reminder can hurt more than most people will ever know.
Babies
I grit my teeth while smiling softy
At the small bundle in her arms
Her perfect baby.
How I want to hate her
This mother for her joy
For the baby she holds
For all the things I will never know.
The ability to choose
Whether to carry life or no
For one fleeting moment I ponder
Snatch the child and claim it mine.
To have trusting loving eyes look upwards
To hear 'Mommy' from little lips
To watch a piece of you grow
For all the things I will never know.
Watch her take her first step
First tooth
First word
The rush of proud helpless love.
Bone of your bone
Blood of your blood
Flesh of your own
All this I will never know.
She lets me hold her child
Such a priceless gift
Baby powder smells
Sweet torture - mother by proxy.
I don't want to give her back
Hide my resentment and tears
Bless the child with a kiss
Goddess knows they had no part in it.
Unfair and beneath me to envy
Women everywhere their babies
The love of my child that I'll never know
Ripped from me, beyond my control.
I would have loved you
Watched you grow
Empty arms, aching heart
But that your father hated me so.
You're with the Goddess now
No longer bloody and broken.
Did you think I didn't want you?
How very much you'll never know.
You are my only child
There will never be another
Along with you that night
He took that from me.
Perhaps when all this is over
If I am very good
The Gods will let me hold you
Just once.
This ache will cease
The pain, the shame
That I could not a mother be
And I will finally know.
I HATE TAXES.
MORE THAN THAT, I HATE DOING OTHER PEOPLES' TAXES
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY GET NICE FAT REFUNDS AND I HAVE TO PAY.....A LOT.
DAMN THE LUCK
Sometimes a song comes along that encapsulizes all of your feelings on a certain matter or person or situation. This fits mine at the moment.
Sugarland - Stay
i been sittin' here staring
at the clock on the wall
and i been layin here praying
praying she won't call
it's just another call from home
and you'll get it and be gone
and i'll be crying
and i'll be beggin you baby
beg you not to leave
but i'll be left here waiting
with my heart on my sleeve
oh for the next time we'll be here
seems like a million years
and i think i'm dying
what do i have to do to make you see
she can't love you like me
why dont you stay
im down on my knees
im so tired of being lonely
don't i give you what you need
when she calls you will go
there is one thing you should know
we dont have to live this way
baby why dont you stay
you keep telling me baby
there will come a time
when you will leave her arms
and forever be in mine
but i don't think that's the truth
and i don't like being used
and i'm tired of waiting
it's too much pain to have to bare
to love a man you have to share
why dont you stay
im down on my knees
im so tired of being lonely
don't i give you what you need
when she calls you will go
there is one thing you should know
we dont have to live this way
baby why dont you stay
but my will is getting stronger
and i think i know just what i have to do
i can't waste another minute
after all that i've put in it
i've given you my best
why does she get the best of you
so the next time you find
you wanna leave her bed for mine
why dont you stay
im up off my knees
im so tired of being lonely
you cant give me what i need
when she begs you not to go
there is one thing you should know
i dont have to live this way
baby why dont you stay
Well, in case you missed the basics, check out my daughter's blog.(http://ladycrysania.mindsay.com/)Yes Muffy FINALLY met Her Man and got married.....The other tidbits/highlights (yes pictures ARE coming shortly) are as follows:
1.Yeah....orange allert. They took my freaking toothpaste damn it....a new tube still hermetically sealed in its own pristine box. But that was not the worst. The worst was that The Man had leant me his flask with homemade vanilla rum in it so that daughter (and Muffy) and I could toast the nuptuals. Damn if they didn't take it away from me...pour it out but at least I got The Man's flask back......can I sue for alchol abuse? On the way back they took my face cream...because it was in a large plastic tube...got it there but couldn't get it back......hmmmm not like airports talk to one another huh? Orange alert my ass.
2.At least Tina only had to fly ONE puddle jumper. I got TWO. Had to climb stairs in the plane and stairs out...what a pain.
3. Hotel ---Yeah, what Tina said in spades. At least it was a NICE hotel, even tho poor Tina had to smoke outside and at least I now know where Kent and Akron are in relationship to each other and no...Muffykins you're NEVER gonna live that one down.
4. Good part - Muffykins and Mr. Muffykins chauferred us around including to the airport to leave....it was a nice thing for them to do....TY muchly guys!
5. Wedding - Yes. Muffy was 15 minutes late to her own wedding. Her dress was beautiful but she hadn't quite figured out how to get into it without ruining her nails....which the night before the wedding, had to all come off because who ever did them, blistered her fingers....so the fall back position was Lee Press On Nails.
6. You know how every wedding has a glitch or two? The guy who was in charge of the boom box didn't level it....so you guessed it...the CD they'd lovingly recorded for their wedding march was skipping every other minute.....go figure...goes to show some men are not mechanically inclined.
7. Yeah I was a bad, bad girl. Two of the "Family" members who could not be present sent me there with specific instructions, so yes. For Stacy I 'kissed Muffy's ass" and Cai had said..."bite me'...So of course when Muffy turned the other cheek I did.....yeah...I'm evil...I did it right in front of her mother.....Heh, heh, heh.
8. The Haircut... Tina is right...its a mullet ....he should have let Tina cornrow it. Told Muffy she should count her blessings...at least it wasn't a Prince Vallant....or a spiked green Mohaw and hair does grow back..
Muffy was overwhelmed that Tina and I went...that some of her online Family made it....it was great to finally meet Tina...after all these years....and why am I NOT surprised daughter that Jae had a thing about your clevege? Is this the place where I say...my daughter Tina is stacked? *blinks innocently.
All in all we had a blast and no, it won't be so long the next time before there is another girls road trip...who knows who next we may decend on.......*evil giggle.
Oh and yes...in the traditional way of the Family while I didn't threaten Mr. Muffykins with death and dismemberment if he dared to hurt Muffy I DID tell him while we were getting out of the car to catch our planes home to "take care of our girl". He's well aware that some of the other Family members are not as...um...have tempers unlike Tina and I.......The good news is that he worships the ground (as he should) she walks on. I got the feeling that even tho he is quiet, that he's very good to her and she is well aware that he is not the run of the mill man. I wish you both happiness.
Happy Birthday to me
I Thought You Were A BurglarI Just Want A Simple Game Of CheckersJuly 3rd
ladyshirea
July 2nd
walkerofwolves
ladyshirea
July 1st
June 28th
kitte
June 26th
beccaface
June 25th
June 24th
June 22nd
June 21st