Those close to me know that I was long ago in an abusive marriage.  My first husband got off on beating the crap out of me to the point that I almost died.  He made no secret that it was my tears and pain that got him off.  I've progressed with substantial assistance beyond the point of believing that all men are going to hurt me. I no longer flinch when a voice is raised.  I don't normally cower in corners or wake up crying and begging not to be hurt.  But sometimes despite my best efforts, even tho it it YEARS ago...I cannot help it.  Normally it's when I'm tired, stressed, have not eaten or something (such as a movie or news story about abuse) willl trigger an episode.  I don't have any control over when, where or what will trigger it.....and Goddess knows I've tried my best to understand and learn to deal with it to the point that I don't freak other people out, by recognizing the warning signals and making sure I am alone.  When you are in a relationship you can't always be alone. Part of a relationship is being yourself, hoping that the person who 'loves you' will care enough to try to understand.  I know it's not easy because your first instinct is to hold that person...sometimes that just makes it worse.  Being able to find someone who understands my ghosts and is willing to deal with them isn't easy...and no...I'm not 'dissng'  the man.. 

For those who have never been abused and don't understand, imagine if you will, cuddling up to a woman or man that you care about and having them react by shoving you back and cringing by the wall weeping in fear or screaming, their eyes glazed and not seeing you but some private hell that they can't explain..   In some instances you are lucky you don't get a fist or some other kind of respone in return, and for a while I slept with a kitchen knife between my matreses until Sean taught me how to use a gun.. 

Some of the residual effect of these ..episodes last for hours, weeks, days - you are vulerable and depression, tears, nightmares and panic are quite common.  Part of you is in the real world, part of you back there.....stuck so to speak.  The response of an abused person is nothing that anyone but them has any control over.  I can attest that not all the reading, counseling, self soul searching...no matter how much intellectually you understand it....can take away the instinctual respone.   My sister has rapped on the door with her knuclkes to waken me and suddnly I'm back there ...afraid and up against the wall.  Men have woken listening to me wimper in fear and said something or touched me and I wake up in panic and tears if they are lucky or swinging if they are not.  (Which is one reason that I no longer keep a gun or knife under the mattress.)

I honestly don't expect anyone who has never beem abused to understand how your sense of self worth and power is eroded daily until you feel that the abuse is what you deserve and all you can expect and you better be greatful and feel priviledged that you get that much attention.   It's gradual, cummulative. Every option is taken one by one...you are systematically isolated from family,. friends, co-workers.  Your phone calls are censored, as is your mail down to your clothing being approved or not..  Soon you aren't allowed to go anywhere without his permission, think, say or breathe unless he allows it, and truth be told, as bad as it sounds to those who don't undertand (and Gods I hope you never do) I assure youi that when that belt or fist comes down, you will do anything, say anything, promise the moon and the rest of your blood...not to be struck again   and for those who say "if she/he really wanted to they'd leave them" let me tell you the hard truth.  When someone stands over you snd tells you after beating you, that if you leave they will hunt you down and kill you, hunt down your loved ones....you make that bargain with the devil....because you KNOW without a shadow of a doubt to the bottom of your soul...that they are more than capable of doing so.  That the only thing to 'prevent' them from doing so is your doing whatever they say, take whatever abuse they deal out.  And the only, ONLY thing you cling to is hope....hope that next time it won't be worse, hope that they will wake up and realize how much you care about them, be the person they used to be.....fill in the blank.  Abuse takes many forms, sometimes is mental as when you tell someone that they will always be stupid or a failure. Sometimes its emotinoal, when you tell a child that you never wanted them or you don't love them.  The damage may not leave visable scars but to those who can see...its just as damaging and just as long lasting as physical abuse.

In my case I was lucky.  I lived, no thanks to him...with scars.  The worst thing that anyone who is in a relationship with an abused individual can say is. "Get over it."  Don't you think that given the choice we would? Do you think we like living always waiting for that individual to find us?  Oh, to have the blessing to turn back the clock, to be unafraid, to be able to hold my daughter, to maybe have more children, to be maybe even a grandmother....what I wouldn't do or give if it was in my power or promise to be able to do so! 

Do you think we like waking up in cold panic sweats and trying to pass them off as 'bad dreams'? Do you think I deal well looking at ''the man's" face when someting he says or does unknwingly triggers an incident  and wondering when he will get fed up dealing with my past baggage and leave?  Or hear my sister appologize because she 'didn't realize" and I spend the next 4 hours shaking?  How the frick do you think that makes us feel?  Being a survivor of abuse is a daily trial. There are movies I can't watch, books I can't read, tv shows that I have to walk away from because I KNOW that they will probably trigger an episode..  I'm sorry if you don't understand (and I pray that you never will have first hand personal knowledge of what I'm saying)  but don't treat those of us who have been there like we are fucking (yes I'm using the "f" word) stupid because we are doing our damned level best...every moment, every day, the very best way we can.  And granted, while it may not be up to your standards, some days we just don't do it well..  And who the fuck are you any way to tell us how we should deal with it?  Where were you when my flesh was being marked with welts? Were you there when it hurt to breathe and I covered the bruises because I didn't want anyone to know how bad it was because I was ashamed and I know that no one would believe me or help me and if I asked or told the next time would be worse?  Were you there when the priest and the doctors told me to be a 'better wife and a christian'?  That he was missunderstood and had the right by 'god's holy word' to chastize his wife as he saw fit?  That a restraining order was not possible because he was best buddies with the guys on the police force?  That my own mother said, "Any man who looked like that couldn't possibly be that way...you must have done something to provoke him. If you tried to be a better wife it wouldn't happen?"

I've lived YEARS with this.  Someone who was abused can see the signs in the eyes of another...the helpless resignation, the fear.  It's a  stimulous for part of what I do and how much I care about others and yes, sometimes it comes back to haunt me no matter how hard I try.

Got a problem with this?  Believe that women 'deserve it'?  You go thru one day of the hell I lived and then let me know how well you do.  Until then, in the immortal words of someone who will recognize themselves...BITE ME.