Those of you who know my history know that for the past 30 odd (and yes they have been that) years I've been married.  During this 30 years we've been separated and back twice.  2 of the final straws that broke this camel's back were:

1. He had a mistress for 10 years (which I paid for unknowingly).  This was a woman I had in my home, a friend whom I couseled, who's son played with my nephews and at one point lived under my own roof for 8 months (and yes he paid rent).  While we had an 'open marriage' I was always portrayed as the slut and the untrustworthy one...while he was the one having the affair. 

2. I supported his happy little ass for years.  Yes he is disabled and born that way.  Yes I know it hurts to get up and walk.  Yes I know life isnt fair and doctors don't have all the answers and can't wave that magic wand to make you whole.  This is what I mean when I say we play lfe with the jersey we are issued and it is the experiences we have which defines and shapes our character.  And in Thomas's defence, his parents didn't raise him as 'my crippled baby you don't have to do a thing let me do it for you'. Rather his father said..'I expect more from you because you have to try twice as hard to be normal and I will accept nothing less.'

But somewhere between that and his first 2 wives that all changed.  By the time he got to me, he was looking for a safe place, where he could find out who and what he was, and I damned did my best to give him that, and he agrees that I did.

The really tough part is during the last 10 years or so he became even more jealous, possesive and verbally and emotionally abusive.  I took a look at my life and made the decsion that I didn't want to live the next 30 years of my life that way, taking care of an invalid who was an  emotional, mental, and physical drain.  If he had met me at the door saying, "how was your day sweetheart? Take off your shoes and here's a glass of wine."  Goddess I would have thot twice.  Instead I got "what the fuck is for dinner and why are you so damned late?  Who were you screwing this time?"

I've been in Texas for almost 5 years now.  Every single day he calls me.  Sometimes up to 22 times with various voice mails...ranging from 'I love you", "I've changed let me show you", "I realize I was an insenitive ass and give me a chance to prove to you I've changed." 

If I don't answer those calls they escallate to, "you don't love me any more and never did.", "II'm going to kill myself and it will be all your fault", "I am having a heart episode and in the hospital" (he's had several, open heart surgery and a stint put in), "Who are you fucking now bitch?' and "I',m going to call all of our friends and family and tell them exactly what kind of daughter/niece/piece of shit you really are" (his version of course).  The fact that I am at  work (2 jobs and cannot answer my phone does not compute in his little mind and never has.  I am supposed to drop everything for him even now).

My fault I guess that few people really know the hell he put me thru.  I truly tried to leave the man his ego intact and haven't told the half of it.  He refuses to let me go.  He threatened me more than once (and I believe that he will and has every intention) that if I do file for divorce, that he will sue for spousal support (since he is disabled) until his death as part of the divorce decree.  And given all that, due to he amounts of money I used to make, there is a very real possibilty that he will win.  Goddess knows I've systematically liquidated all of my assets so he couldn't claim them and thats one of the major reasons I work at low paying jobs so he can't claim support.

So I take his abuse long distance now when feel up to it.  I read his emails, several days later true and answer them when I feel like it much to his disgust.  So new plan of his is that he buys me things and sends them to me.  Trys to buy me with presents.  Things I don't want and don't need.  Expensive gifts, such as a laptop and a printer...they are incompatable with each other.  A deumidifier...which I've never used....I've no room for it.  The things I could use he won't send.  Save your money I tell him, put it on the phone bill.  He signs us both up for a phoneplan without consulting me;..for 2 damn years...I was on month to month.  Over 200 a month...I can't afford that.  So its now my fault that I can't send him money for the phone bill....stupid twit. 

I've tried to be nice.  No contact and I'm at work isn't seeping into Thomas' conciousness.  Does he know about "The Man"?  No.  I've not told him for several reasons, the main one being that it is none of his business what I do or whom I am keeping company with.  He lost that privilege when he cheated on me and lied to me about it.  He lost any respect I had when he verbally and emotionally battered me for years.  I refuse to take the ride on the guilt train he keeps trying to get me to board. 5 years and nothing has changed substantially to convince me that he has. 

Yes I could probably cut this all short and tell him...fuck off I've found someone else. True or a lie it wouldn't matter.  The short version is...part of me still cares about the man I met and married tho its been many years since he's been that man and he will never be that man again, just as I'm not that woman he met and married.  Blame me for that...ok but I refuse to go backwards.  Part of me would feel guilty if I told him this and he had a heart attack because of it.  Part of me just doesn't want the grief and hassell....it's like almost 5 years...what do you not get about 'I'm not coming home?"  He doesn't love me..he just wants his nurse and cash cow back.  Nothing he could say, do or buy would make that happen....and yes, I let him hold on to the slim hope that one day things might change.  Chalk that up to me being a bad person, I truly don't care.  I find it hard to deprive anyone of hope if I can't give them another hope in its place.  So I take his calls, I accept the presents such as they are, I deal with this shit and I think to myself....am I stupid for putting up with this and putting myself thru this, or is it somehow worse to face the alternitives?

Tonight I just don't know...I'm just so fucking tired of it all and life is just too damned short.